It’s Wednesday night and dinner is done. Lyric has started his homework. Jude and Derek are doing flash cards and Babes and I are hanging out together.
Hard to believe he has been a part of the family for going on 2 weeks now. Tonight we snuggled up on the couch to watch Zootopia.
Since Sunday, he has slowly been talking more about what has happened. I think it’s really starting to sink into him that loss is a real thing. He has been very concerned with where I am and it is important to him that I am in his line of sight. Which is fine, I am happy to be.
“I love you Mommom” – Babes
“I love you too babes” – Me
“What are you doing Mommom” – Babes
“Writing about you” – Me
“We are awake”- Babes
“Yeah Babes we are awake”- Me
He has been telling Derek and I he loves us a lot lately and as sweet as it is, it is also heartbreaking. He shouldn’t be here. Sometimes, that really weighs on me. How unfair life can be at times. It’s that age old “why do bad things happen to good people” and in this case “why do bad things happen to innocent children”.
A few years back Derek and I were apart of a group discussion through our church called “Starting Point” which is a group that meets over weeks where we all get together and discuss Christ. Derek wasn’t a believer at the time and I was just starting my walk so we had a lot of questions and one of them was this “why do bad things happen to good people” and one of the ladies looked at me and from the kindest place in her heart she explained to me about free-will “it just happens.”. That was such a hard pill to swallow. I want free will but I want everyone else to have a governed free will, but unfortunately, free will doesn’t work that way- it’s a gift to all.
But, why to him? He must suffer the consequence of another’s free will action. Why does he have to now go through life without his parents and not just without his parents but because it was such a public thing he is going to be known for this, and that is so unfair?
I know he will have parents, and today, I am that. So, I am not worried that he won’t know what the love of a family is. I am just so angry because this isn’t the way it was “supposed” to be.
I fear I am not what educated enough to be what he needs. That I am doing him a disservice. I fear that I am not answering the way I should. When he tells me about what happened I don’t react I just blatantly say “I know babes” and I hug him. Should I have more of a reaction? Should I ask more questions? How do I explain death to a toddler? Do I need to explain it?
We still haven’t told our boys what has happened to Babes family. We told them that Babes is the son of one of our friends and they went on vacation. We don’t make lying a habit but we weren’t sure if we should tell them in fear they would talk to Babes about it and, selfishly, I just didn’t want to talk to them about it.
He just told me he loves me again. I need to put this away and be at the moment.
I thought this city would be a perfect place where everyone got along and anyone could be anything. Turns out, life’s a little bit more complicated than a slogan on a bumper sticker. Real life is messy. We all have limitations. We all make mistakes. Which means, hey, glass half full, we all have a lot in common. And the more we try to understand one another, the more exceptional each of us will be. But we have to try. So no matter what kind of person you are, I implore you: Try. Try to make the world a better place. Look inside yourself and recognize that change starts with you. – Judy Hopes, Zootopia
Till next time,